There’s a ton of information out there for teens and young adults today. Between sex ed at school, on-line resources, sexually active friends, chat rooms, and pornography, you might think that young people know everything they need to about sex.
But it turns out, they don’t. When I asked 900 young adults (age 18 to 25) what they wished they’d known sooner, they had a lot to say. If you’re a parent of a teen, think about addressing these topics with your kid. If you’re a young person, know that you’re not alone in not knowing—and maybe learn from the people who were in your shoes very recently.
Here’s a sampling of what they wish they’d learned earlier:
About the mechanics of sex
“How messy sex actually is”
Vaginal lubrication (natural, + using lube); that girls get wet when aroused
“That pornography is not at all an accurate representation of actual sex”
“The ‘grosser’ parts of sex like cleanup”
The importance of peeing after sex to avoid UTIs
Definitions of sex terms & practices eg blow job, threesome
“That sex can be messy, smelly, and still be normal, natural, and fun”
About sex and relationships
That you should talk with your partner about sex before/at the beginning of the relationship
“What I should do to have a healthy relationship first before doing anything sexual”
“That not everyone has sex for love. Sometimes someone will tell you they love you just to get in your pants.”
The emotions involved with sex
“How much the physical aspect of sex can impact the emotions”
About consent and readiness
“That it’s OK to say no”
“That I don’t have to say Yes”
[I know I’m repeating myself here, but a lot of young women mentioned this.]
How to say No
About pleasure
Why sex happens—that it’s mostly for pleasure
That both males and females enjoy sex
“That sometimes sex is awesome, sometimes just ok”
That people have widely varying sex drives
“That women like sex as much as men”
That women orgasm
That most women don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone
That females usually take longer than males to orgasm
The importance of foreplay
About virginity and first times
Alternatives to sexual intercourse
Societal expectations; “virginity is a social construct”
That sex may hurt the first time—but not necessarily
The first time probably won’t go smoothly, but things get better
About birth control
More about birth control options (not just the Pill), how to get it, generics
That there are health facilities teens can go to without parents knowing/involved, e.g. Planned Parenthood
That the Pill must be used at the same time every day
That antibiotics reduce the effectiveness of the Pill
“How expensive abortions are”
About sexually-transmitted infections
STIs, HPV, and how to get tested; how common HPV is
Using Gardasil [vaccine] for HPV prevention
How to practice safe sex; the importance of a condom every time
How to put on a condom
“It’s totally OK to ask if your partner has been tested [for STIs] and to insist on using a condom”
About cultural expectations
“That kinky isn’t shameful”
“Everyone has different tastes in sex”
“That I could ignore gender expectations”
“I wish I had known how my parents felt about it [sex]”