So there’s this interesting truth about women’s bodies: physical arousal and desire aren’t the same thing. It’s possible to want to have sex with your partner even if your body isn’t hot and bothered yet (because you love the person, want the connection, whatever). It’s also possible to experience all the signs of physical arousal (lubrication, etc.) and not want to have sex with someone.

Here’s why this is important. Some guys use girls’ arousal to pressure them into having sex. “Look how hot you are, you know you want it….” Sadly, this can be an effective tool for an unprepared girl. She may get confused. Yes, she may be enjoying the kissing and petting. She may be pretty clear that she doesn’t want to have sex with the guy, and sex was definitely not her plan for the night, but geez, maybe he’s got a point…and her self-doubt can undermine her No. (And if she gives in, there’s a good chance she’ll feel pretty yucky afterward.)

The antidote is self-knowledge. Yes, you can be physically aroused and not want to have sex. You may be really really horny and really really aroused and tempted to have sex and know that the guy/ the situation/ the timing isn’t right for you. Your physical arousal is not the only meaningful factor here. No amount of excitement on anyone’s part obligates you to have sex. You always have the right to say No, even if part of you wants to say Yes. Your body doesn’t have to be in charge of your decision. Instead, save the Yes for when all of you wants it—body, mind, heart, and spirit.