If you’ve ever viewed pornography, you know that the women in it don’t tend to be quiet in the sack.  They may acquiesce to a man’s desires/demands without speaking up; they may object to whatever he wants and later give in. But once they do give in, they’re plenty vocal in their enthusiasm.

(There’s plenty of room to talk about what all this says about stereotypes, power, objectification, etc., but that’s not my focus here.)

Because the porn industry knows its audience, we can conclude that most men like some noise while they’re getting it on. Not screaming, necessarily, but some excitement that’s expressed vocally.

Men I’ve talked to often say that their worst sexual experiences involve a passive partner who “just lay there.” Most guys hate when someone goes along but acts as if her heart and mind are somewhere else. They want a partner who’s responsive and into it.

So how do we apply this information?

The simple but unhelpful lesson: Women should make noise in bed so their partner thinks they’re having a good time (even if they’re not). Young women whose expectations about sex have been colored by porn are especially likely to do this, although lots of others do too. If you think “I’m ‘supposed to’ moan and cry out in order to be good in bed, I’ll do that,” you’re performing, not really experiencing.

Worse, your partner may hear your moans and think that you’re ready long before you are or that what he’s doing feels really good to you when it doesn’t. If you’re faking it to try to please him, you’re giving him inaccurate information—which means he may never learn what really does get you going, and you may never enjoy sex that much.

A more helpful lesson: If you’re getting it on with your partner and it feels so good that moans or whatever sounds come out of your mouth, you don’t have to stifle that. Unless a lack of privacy means you need to keep quiet, don’t try. (Well, don’t be so loud that you puncture his eardrum or something….) The noises you make are like your orgasm-y face: unique to you, exciting to your partner, and a fun-ruining distraction to think about when things are hot and heavy. Be in the moment, in your body, and don’t worry about how you sound. It’s all just part of the experience.

The best lesson: What makes sex exciting is the interplay between two people. Guys get aroused by a woman’s (real, un-self-conscious) noises because they show she’s really into what’s going on. If both people are paying attention to the other’s experience and trying to make it good, it’s exciting to have that happen. He’s excited that she’s excited, and his excitement adds to hers, which is even more exciting for him–and you get a fantastic virtuous cycle going. That’s what happens when sex is really good. It’s the mutual, reciprocal enthusiasm that makes it so wonderful.