With many schools temporarily shuttered, teens are spending even more time online than they used to. They’re doing schoolwork digitally, connecting with friends using apps…and they may also be watching more sexually stimulating material.

If that makes you kinda shriek inside…well, that’s understandable. Your teen using porn isn’t a comfortable idea, and it might not be healthy for them. But shrieking out loud isn’t the best plan.

So, let’s pause and think about risks, benefits, and what you can and can’t control.

It’s Not Abnormal

First off, it’s important to mention that viewing sexually explicit material is extremely common among both adults and teens. In a typical week, 87% of 18- to 35-year-old males view pornography, as do 28.5% of females that age. There’s debate about the share of internet traffic that’s porn, but the most reliable statistics put the number at about 13%.

With that many people using sexually explicit materials, it’s hard to say there’s anything abnormal about it. Like it or not, some use of porn is the norm, especially among males. (That’s been true for centuries, by the way, though sexual images used to be harder to get.)

Risks & Benefits

Some people may have a hard time believing there are any benefits to porn. But there are.

Sexually arousing images can help couples add spice to their intimate life or reenergize a sex life when one or both people have lost interest. Where couples have very different levels of desire, the more-horny partner might use arousing images to take the edge off. Porn viewing may offer a safe outlet for managing desires that a partner doesn’t share. And porn provides an outlet for people who don’t have a partner. (Masturbation is the safest form of sex there is.)

On the other hand, there are risks, especially for young people. A small percentage of porn users develop a compulsive use disorder, where viewing takes up many hours of the day and interferes with real-world relationships. As with alcohol and other potentially addictive substances, the younger someone starts using, the greater the risk of eventual problems.

For teens and preteens, sexually explicit images can provide a form of sex education. This is both a risk and a benefit.

It’s a benefit for kids who’ve gotten little or no formal sex ed to at least understand the mechanics of sex.

However, there’s significant risk in teens viewing pornography and thinking it reflects reality. Most teens will insist they know it’s fake, know it’s a performance. But they may not know quite how it’s fake, how it differs from the sexual experiences most people have.

That’s where you come in.

What Parents Can Do

With younger kids, it’s wise to set up filters that limit their access to pornographic images. That makes it less likely that little kids will stumble on images they aren’t ready to process. Even the best filters, though, aren’t complete protection. Kids grow up and get technically savvy enough to get around filters. They may see images at another child’s house. An older kid may show them porn to see their shocked reaction.

Teens and preteens are more likely to go actively looking for porn. They know it’s out there, they have all sorts of sexual feelings, and they’re curious. Once they find erotic images, it can be very arousing, and….

If you tell your teen that watching porn is wrong and they shouldn’t do it, they’ll likely ignore you. They may feel more ashamed when they do view porn, which actually makes it more likely to become problematic.

Realistically, you can’t control whether your teen views sexually explicit images. But you can give them information that provides context and helps them think critically about what they may see.

Kids will tune out a lecture, but may be able to hear a calm, candid dialogue about your concerns. They are actually worried about some of this, and being able to talk with you can help them sort things out. So:

• Normalize porn use. It really is normal to be curious and to find erotic images exciting, so you might as well acknowledge that. It’s true, and saying so makes you look less uptight and clueless.

• Address body image. Just as in any other movie, porn actors are more likely to be attractive or have a certain body type. Most of us don’t look like movie stars and we don’t look like porn stars—but there’s nothing wrong with us. Teens who’ve seen porn may think their penis is defective if it isn’t as huge and constantly hard as porn stars’. Kids may think all women’s vulvas are supposed to look a certain way, when actually there’s an infinite variety in what women’s genitals look like. Porn should never be considered a standard for what someone’s body “should” look like.

• Talk about coercion and violence. For me, a major concern about porn is that quite a bit of it includes coerced, degrading, or forcible sex acts. Teens need to be reminded that forcing or coercing sex is illegal (and, in my opinion at least, morally wrong). It’s also not as sexy as porn producers might want them to think. Although some people enjoy consensual BDSM (which is agreed to willingly and involves negotiating rules to protect everyone’s safety), that’s completely different from sex acts forced on anyone. Women (well, anyone) who are forced to have sex do not end up enjoying it, despite what the videos may show.

• Distinguish real-world sex practices from what’s on the screen. Porn producers try to attract viewers by showing extremes. That means forms of kink that only a tiny fraction of the population enjoys get disproportionate airtime—which can make kids think that’s “what everyone does.” Not true. Many, many people have enjoyable sex lives engaging in a fairly small range of sexual activities. Many people do not enjoy in real life things they might see online. Make sure your teen knows they have no obligation to do anything they don’t feel comfortable with or ready for, and they shouldn’t expect anyone else to.

• Talk about relationships. The biggest difference between porn and real life is that in real life, most people have sex within the context of a human relationship. In porn, the sex is only about the physical (and especially men’s pleasure). If you don’t talk with them, teens may think that’s the only option.

If you hope your child’s sexual experiences will happen within a loving relationship, tell them that. Given them a vision for sex completely different from what they see online: sex that’s an act of caring between two people who trust each other, sex that’s mutual and reciprocal and joyful. Acknowledge that your teen will make their own choices about sex…just make sure what they see in porn doesn’t seem like the only choice.