Porn can be a very charged topic, especially for women. Some women enjoy porn regularly; others are horrified that their partner would ever view it (even though most men do, whether frequently or occasionally).

I’ve known women who were appalled that their husbands view porn, but who themselves regularly enjoy steamy romance novels. This got me thinking: In what ways are pornography and romance novels similar and different? I don’t have an answer for this, but I do have some thoughts, and I’d love to hear what you think.

Some aspects to consider:

Does it matter that romance novels are words on a page, but porn is usually images of actual people? What about sexually oriented graphic novels?

What are the lines between romance novels (and films), erotica, and pornography? How do you define the differences? How does your partner define them? Where does something like 50 Shades of Grey fit in?

How do you account for gender differences? There seems to be a lot of truth in the stereotype that women are more relational about sex (hence the focus on relationships in romance novels and female-oriented porn) and men are more visual (hence the focus on bodies and sexual acts in male-oriented porn). If you’re heterosexual, can you accept that your partner’s sexual stimuli may be different from yours? How can you reconcile those differences?

To what extent does porn or romance novels take energy out of the primary relationship? Does reading/viewing them make you jump your honey’s bones, or do you play with yourself? If you masturbate, does that even out a disparity in sex drive (i.e., you want sexual release more often than your partner does) or does it take away from the sex you have together?

(Note: Porn addiction is a real thing. As with alcoholism or problem gambling, addiction happens to only a fraction of people who engage in the activity. But if someone’s porn use interferes with the primary relationship, takes a lot of time or money, and the person finds it hard to stop or cut back, there may be a problem that merits professional help.)

Does secrecy make a difference? Do you want to know, or not want to know, what your partner is reading/viewing? Are there some aspects of this you could share?

Should partners reassure each other? Both porn and romance novels offer idealized, even caricatured, versions of sexual relationships. Few people have actual partners that look as hot/rugged/willing/swashbuckling as the characters in sexually charged media. Does it help if you reassure your real partner that although the images are exciting, he/she is the one you love and want to have sex with?

Talk to me! I’d love to hear your thoughts and reactions to any or all of these questions. It’s a complicated topic that’s worth an ongoing dialogue.